Checking From Behind Pulling No Punches

Team Canada is set for the 2010 Winter Olympics. Assistant Captains Sidney Crosby and Jarome Iginla are joined by Patrice Bergeron, Ryan Getzlaf, Dany Heatley, Patrick Marleau, Brenden Morrow, Rick Nash, Corey Perry, Mike Richards, Eric Staal, Joe Thornton and Jonathan Toews up front. Captain Scott Niedmermayer and Assistant Captain Chris Pronger will be joined by Dan Boyle, Drew Doughty, Duncan Keith, Shea Weber and Brent Seabrook on the back end, and Marc-Andre Fleury will play the third string goaltender to Roberto Luongo and Martin Brodeur.

What has caused a bit of confusion is the lack of team grit and a few notable players who were left off the team this time around. We, at Checking From Behind.com, managed to catch up with a few of these players to get their thoughts.

Jason Spezza was met up during the morning skate to discuss his absence from the lineup. He tried to hide away his emotions but seemed to truly feel that money can buy you anything... except a spot on Team Canada.

Jason Spezza: "I couldn't care if I didn't make it. I'm still making like eight million a year. Do you have any idea how many hookers that can get you? Merry fucking Christmas!"

Todd Bertuzzi was equally frustrated and knew that he certainly could bring a level of emotion the team has never witnessed before.

Todd Bertuzzi: "It's a shame, you know. I thought I was doing good this year. I mean, I'm like the highest scoring forward on the Detroit Red Wings right now, and they're freaking ancient! Gah! I'm so pissed I could break something!"

Mike: "A neck?"

Bertuzzi: "What?"

Mike: "Nothing, thanks for your time."

We managed to catch up with Andrew Raycroft who has been enjoying some free time widdling behind Roberto Luongo in Vancouver.

Mike: "Razer, exactly how does it feel to be a part of arguably the best goaltending tandem in the league and not be invited to Team Canada?"

Andrew Raycroft: "Well, one of us had to go, and I'm not surprised."

Mike: "What do you mean you're not surprised? You won the freaking Calder trophy in 2004."

Andrew Raycroft: "Yeah, but that was a fluke. I had exceptionally sized goaltending equipment. Go look at some archive photos or something, and you'll see what I mean."

Mike: "I see... well then."

Andrew Raycroft: "Yeah. I'm not a fan of change."

Mike: "How is that pad even being held on there?"

Andrew Raycroft: "Magnets."

"Mike: "Ahh, yes, of course."

Ron Wilson even popped by to give us a few thoughts on the upcoming Olympic tournament.

Ron Wilson: "Go Team USA Go!"

Mike: "Is that all?"

Ron Wilson: "No. Jason Blake is the greatest player to every lace them up."

Brian Burke: "Agreed."

Ron Wilson: "Also Lee Stempniak."

Brian Burke: "For the record, I had nothing to do with the Bertuzzi incident. And if I may, I'd like to tell Kevin Lowe that he's a dirty, shit eating, mother f.."

Well that's all the time we had today. I hope you are all satisfied with Team Canada's roster.

Go Canada Go.

Micheal A. Aldred

michealaldred@hotmail.com

It was December 22^nd, and I was recently hired on to work at the local post-office. I had done their tedious work of assorting all the mail and endured my fair share of letter kisses (aka huge freaking paper cuts). I had done my part in customer service in order to send out last minute presents to unwanted family members (you know who you are), but became increasingly bored with my occupation. It was then, on the date listed above, or you know…yesterday, that I decided to explore more of this “Post Office”, as I was confused why there were no nets to speak of goal posts, let alone an office.

Seen Here: The only “office” in the building, and yes, we share it.

I began looking through the storage room and found an old box that seemed to have a bit of a sparkle to it. The sun was shining at it through the high window at the end of the room, and it created a human-shaped sort of aura to it. I finally got close enough to get a better view and noticed it was just Robert Pattinson posing as his Edward Cullen character from the “Twilight” series.

This is exactly how he was posing.

After shooing him away with a broom, I opened the box he was guarding. It was clear that whatever was inside was either very important, or important to teenagers with the brain capacity of Aki Berg (which is usually one-lined. For Aki, it was “puck”, for teenagers who watch Twilight it’s “like oh my god”. [Note: this part wasn’t supposed to be funny, but if you laughed that kinda rocks and stuff.] Side note to the note: nice use of brackets! [Note: I know right?!])

Once I opened the box, I found a small letter addressed to none other than the fat guy himself, Mr. Santa Claus. In this letter, I realized that for the last 23 years, I’ve been writing the wrong letters to Claus. This boy, who can easily be classified as Leaf nation’s dumbest fan, had made a list he wanted from Santa over his Maple Leafs that makes me want to go back in time just to re-write all my letters to Santa years in advance to ignore Francis the tard. I wish I could tell you I had, but prison is no fairy-tale world. Wait, sorry about that, been watching Shawshank recently; doesn’t Morgan Freeman just kick ass?! Anyways, back to the story. For those that do not know Francis (which is, uh, all of you)…

He's this guy!

Instead of summarizing the letter, I’ll let you read it for yourselves. Enjoy!

Feeling a tad upset, I threw the letter as hard as I could to the ground, but I just watched it float down. Then I started throwing and kicking around boxes. I knew what I had to do. To get rid of all this bad luck, I pulled out my trusty swiss army knife and I found my small vile of lighter fluid. I sprinkled it on the letter and lit a match (also in my swiss army knife, these things are ridiculous). At first the flame was contained, but I guess with all the rest of the dried out paper in there, it got out of hand pretty quickly.

Seen Here: A minor oops.

My manager came in and started to pull me from the room, screaming at me how it started. I kept yelling at him “Santa made me do it! Santa made me do it!”

I was fired yesterday. It’s also possible I’ll be up on charges around the New Year. But I just wanted to take the time I have on this computer at the police station to share my story with the world. I hate Santa!

Wish me luck in court! Happy holidays.

Micheal A. Aldred

michealaldred@hotmail.com

Ah, yes. Who could forget the morning of October 11th, 2008. The birds were singing and the sun was shining. Who could be more happier than Sarah Palin as she prepared for that evening's matchup between the Philadelphia Flyers and the New York Rangers. She wasn't worried about the players, the matchup, or the outcome, heck she didn't even care if the Flyers won. She was just happy to drop the puck in front of twenty thousand fans. This folks, changed Sarah Palin's life forever.
 
   She couldn't help but remember this last week and couldn't get that memory out of her head. She then wondered why so many people would boo her despite her being the most famous girl in the world. But as she turned on her TV and put on TheScore she couldn't help but focus on the Olympic torch as it was being broadcasted from Halifax as Sidney Crosby ran proudly through his hometown bearing the flame stick in hand. She heard the reporter say "Crosby may be proud now. But, nothing would make him more proud than see that clock tick to zero in Vancouver and get presented with the Olympic gold for Canada." An idea immediately struck Sarah like a club to a baby seal; one that she thought would change the faith for Olympic hockey history, and baby seals, forever.
 
   It was a normal Monday morning as the IOC (International Olympic Committee) all met for their weekly meeting to check how things were shaping up for February. Things were as always running smoothly when all of a sudden Sarah Palin burst in through the doors and demanded they let Alaska enter a team into the 2010 Olympics. All six members burst into laughter, but Sarah, was serious.
 
   Sarah stated that "It wasn't fair that her own country of Alaska couldn't enter a hockey team into the Olympics." She went on to say that, "I almost became president of them states things, so I should be able to enter a team too, you betcha."
 
   Officials from the IOC spent 5 hours trying to explain to Palin that the team could not enter because Alaska, believe it or not, is not a Country and is actually a part of "them states things," you betcha. She then shot back that, "There's like 134 states thingys, so Alaska should enter a team."
 
   The IOC, finding the woman's clear showing of ultimate stupidity, decided to review Palin's so-called Team Alaska Mavoricks roster. They then proceded to argue with Sarah that Tiger Woods could not be a part of her team because he does not play hockey. To which Sarah quickly said "he still plays that game with a stick, I'm sure he could hit something bigger and blacker!" One board member immediately chimed in without missing a beat, "that's what she said." The board, losing patience with Sarah, said that he wasn't born in Alaska and probably hasn't even been there before. Therefore he was inelidgable to play on Team Alaska.
 
   Sarah became enraged and screamed "just look at the rest of the dang roster." The IOC became confused when the name "Dog Husky" was listed as her starting Goaltender. They asked, "who is this? Might he be a hockey unknown phenom?" Sarah proudly said, "No, but he was born in Alaska." "Well, who is he?" asked the board members. "Why, he's my dog named Deeohgie". "Deeohgie?" asked one of the board members. "Yes, deeohgie," repeated Palin. "So, D.O.G., Deeohgie? You named your dog, Dog?" "Oh, hes a husky too," Palin ignored the man's question. "You should see him catch frizbees, he'd be amazing with black saucers."
 
   The IOC couldn't take it anymore and ordered that she may not set foot on the site of the 2010 Olympics, and also that she remain at least 500m away from Tiger Woods. "But I was gunna name them 'Mystery Alaska'!" Sarah shouted as security hauled her out of the building. She was shipped back to Alaska in a milk truck and was never heard from again.
 
   Rumours have swirled that other members of Sarah's team included Bob Dole as head coach, Muhammad Ali as team enforcer, and Bart Simpson and Stephen Harper as her top defencive duo. The team logo would be an animation of her head, and Russel Crowe would be assigned as team Captian.
 
   Note: Neither Scott Gomez or Ty Conklin were selected to play on Team Mystery Alaska despite both being from Anchorage, Alaska. When asked about it, Palin said, "I understand their difficulty of both playin in the NHL. We didn't think it would be necessary to fly them both over seas to Canada for 23 games." Russel Crowe has yet to comment on his involvement.
 

Adam Reid

adam_mapleleafs@hotmail.com